Today my baby girl ate for the first time with a spoon. She loved her cereal so much for lunch that she seemed to ask for a bedtime cereal snack. I sat Heidi down in her chair and put the bib on. She immediately opened her mouth wide. She definitely wanted more--glad I am beginning to understand her language. Part of me is so excited watching her learn... try new things... grow.... And that same part is so grateful she did so well with eating her cereal (surprisingly, she did way better with it being thicker like a pudding instead of the super thin consistency the box suggested for first time eaters).
But part of me cried. My baby is growing up. And for some reason, I'm really struggling with the piled up yesterdays that mean she is not a little baby any more. Maybe that part of me will always struggle as she continues to grow.
Maybe that part is still longing for my newborn/ hospital experience where you cuddle right after birth and then eat countless Lora Doone cookies while the nurses check both your vitals. Maybe that part still wonders what would have happened if I would have only asked for a different nurse. And wonders if Life Flight and NICU could have been avoided if I would have only been admitted the first time I went to the hospital instead of being sent home. And wonders if she would not have swallowed so much meconium if I had not been bullied into getting an epidural when I should have given birth.
And maybe that part of me longs to have my baby nurse--even though I was never a fan of it with Devin. Just maybe I'm missing that closeness that neither of us get with a pump. And maybe that same part is longing to have a "first baby" experience where I can focus on just her instead of them together.
Whatever that missing part is, I'm going to hold her close while she sleeps. I'm going to press kisses to her hair. I'm going to laugh when she giggles. I'm going soothe her when she cries. I'm going to cheer when my little Heidi grows and accomplishes new things. And although it will never make up for the loss I experienced at the hospital, it can heal the now.