Saturday, May 19, 2012

The Hardest Decision...

All growing up and even throughout college, I always knew what my decision would be. Ask any of my students who share my common dream and the decision is easy. They can all tell me exactly what I should do. And I thought I would know instantly too. But no. This really was the hardest decision.

The hardest decision. It does not involve anything along the lines of being temple worthy. Those are all easy choices. It does not matter what I wear or what we decide to order when we go out to eat. Deciding where to live and what to major in even seem easy in comparison.

The hardest decision. Do I continue working next year or do I stay home and be a mom? Is this my first and last year of teaching or is Baby Bunny going to be raised by someone else? I always thought the choice would be a piece of cake because the only thing I have ever dreamed I was being a mom.

When I was little, and others would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I had one answer-- a mommy. The reason I chose my major was because it was the closest thing I could find to teaching me motherly skills. I worked hard and graduated from college with an excellent GPA but always planned on using it to bless my children-- never to actually teach.

So why when I'm faced with the opportunity I have always longed for does the choice all of the sudden become the hardest one with no clear direction?!

I was torn. My students need me. My baby needs me. We need the money. We need things of far greater worth than money. Casey needs to finish school and have a stable income. Baby Bunny needs a mommy and have a stable life. I enjoy my job, I like teaching, I want to become a level 2 teacher, next year would be SO much easier. I think I will enjoy being a mom but really have no idea. Back and forth like a see-saw. My principal pushing for an answer, one way or the other and me being scared to step forward in either direction.

I was stuck. Unsure, hesitant, scared.

Finally we turned the matter over to the Lord. And decided to just walk forward trusting either answer by making a commitment of yes or no. Teacher and Mother together or Mother.

General Conference hit me. Going to the temple hit me. My constant thoughts hit me. I knew where I am meant to be next year. I was still terrified. I had no idea what to expect from my principal. Her initial reaction was far from what I could have ever guessed would happen. We ended up talking about General Conference and the temple and the most important work I will ever do while I gave her an answer to my hardest decision.

And so the hardest decision melted away. I'm at peace.

I get to stay home and raise Baby Bunny. I get to answer his questions when they arise and find joy in the everyday things he does. I get to be a mommy! :)

I will miss my students (on most days). And I will miss talking to friends (co-workers). And I have no idea what it is like to stay home with a constant tag-a-long and to rarely have break. But I'm excited to learn.

And we are still keeping our faith in Heavenly Father and trusting that He knows what He is doing!


Tricia said...

Awesome post. It really is such a hard decision. I'm glad you were able to find the answer that fit you and your family. :) You'll love being a mom!

Jonessa said...

You word everything as "do I work, or be a mom?" You're going to be a mom, whether you work or not. Always remember that! :)